Arguing

After coming home from work on Sunday night, h and I had a "discussion." We hadn't seen each other for 24 hours, so we were just hanging out in the living room, trying to reconnect, talking about what happened in our individual lives over the time that I was away.

Sometime during the conversation, he got quiet and got a strange look on his face and then shuddered a little. I said, "You okay?" He said, "Yeah. I was just thinking about something." "Anything you want to share?" I said. So he hesitated and then said, "Well, I was just reading this article in the latest Psychology Today about taboos that are normal. I don't know how they get away with calling all of that fluff 'psychology.' It was a really lame piece."

Okay, not for nothing, but this month's Psychology Today has a photo of this chick in a leather outfit, complete with whip, on the cover. The title on the cover is "Twisted? 7 taboos that are perfectly natural." It went on to list sexual fantasy as one of the normal taboos. It was on the floor on the passenger's side of my van with some other mail that I forgot to bring in on Friday (I have a long driveway and usually get the mail when I'm going out somewhere...lazy me).

Anyway, here's me acting out:

Me: So what possessed you to bring that magazine inside?

Him: I was cleaning out the van before going to the recycling center and I brought in a bunch of papers. That was in there, along with the mail.

Me: So why would you have read 'that' article?

Him: Well, I can't exactly research this SA stuff on the internet because so much porn comes up. I was just curious if I was normal.

Me: So sexual fantasy is now 'normal' and okay for you?

Him: No, I'm not saying that. I just want to see if I am a complete whack job.

Me: Well, to me it seems like you are trying to justify fantasy. The title of the article is "7 Taboos that are Perfectly Normal." It seems like you were trying to find support for the 'fantasy is okay theory.'

Him: No. I just want to see if I'm normal.

Me: So if you are trying to see if you are normal and you want something to read on the subject of SA, why don't you pick up something by Carnes or Weiss, someone who is respected on this subject?

Him: I've already read Out of the Shadows.

Me: How long ago?

Him: Well it has been a long time.

Me: So you are saying, the chick with the whip had nothing to do with your decision to read that particular article?

Him: I would have read it anyway.

Me: Whatever.


Yesterday we went out to dinner to talk about it some more because we couldn't really talk without a certain five year old showing her sweet, smiling face. His idea, we took the discussion to a restaurant. Surprise, surprise, he didn't feel comfortable talking in public. So he didn't speak to me at all during the entire meal. I was mad. We paid the bill and walked out. Outside, there were three young women dining at a small table. P. was racing me to the car to open the door for me. I wouldn't allow it. He got in the car and blew up. "You don't have to humiliate me by not letting me open the door." I replied, "You wouldn't even speak to me for the entire meal. Now you want to be chivalrous in front of this table of women. Too bad. Who are you really opening the door for? Me or them?"

Yeah, the past couple of days have not been shining examples of recovery for either one of us. Thank God we have counseling tonight. I worry about this too. Last time we had an argument with the counselor mediating, he walked out on the conversation. This ought to be interesting.

Moving Right Along...

So here is what happened in group...

I completed Step Eight and am working on Step Nine! I never imagined that I would be able to start, much less complete, Step Eight. I had so much resentment festering toward so many of the people on my list. Especially my family of origin. Most especially my sister and mother. But, today, I'm choosing to release it all to God. In my heart, I believe that releasing it to Him, coupled with developing good solid boundaries will benefit me greatly in my healing.

I'm convinced that God was intervening in my life that day. I had just finished writing the percentages that I was ready to make amends to each individual, when I started working in the bedroom, cleaning and vacuuming. I lifted up the bedskirt to suck up some dustbunnies and rescue a few stray socks from the jaws of the Windtunnel, when I noticed some books that had been piled neatly under there. I pulled them out and saw that some were recovery material of my husband's. I tried to shove them back under there but there was something preventing me from doing so. It was a small, 42 page pamphlet sized book by John Eldredge. I think it was called, "You Have What it Takes." I am fairly certain it was highlighting some of the main points in Wild At Heart.

I started reading it (anything to avoid housework) and there was this one section that really spoke to me. It was about grieving the wounds from childhood. When I first read it, I thought, "Yeah, yeah, been there, done that." But one of the things that he said that stood out to me was, "It mattered." All of those abuses and neglects, they mattered. They mattered to me, and to God who loves me.

Wow! I forgot that God saw all of that stuff too. It mattered to Him. And it was strange to me, because my mantra used to be, "It's fine. It doesn't matter." It was how I would reassure myself that things would be alright, and that things weren't as bad as they seemed at the time. But that statement, "It mattered," gave me a different perspective. I didn't throw myself a pity party that day, but I cried for about five minutes, and just thanked God for that validation, for seeing what had happened and knowing that He cared about it. Because I think when I was telling myself, "It doesn't matter," what I was really feeling was, "I don't matter."

Bringing me back to my Step Four list. Weiss has you make a list of whatever you can remember from all of your years on Earth. Across the top of the page go the headings "Good, Bad, and Ugly." The good list are, obviously, the good things that happened to you or that you did. The bad things are the bad things that you did, that you are responsible for. The ugly things are the bad things that happened to you that you are not responsible for, wounds inflicted by someone else.

So, I looked down all three of the lists, and I FINALLY realized something. All of these things on my ugly list are things that made me feel sad, used, abused, ugly, _______(fill in any negative emotion here). The things on my bad list, that I am responsible for, are on someone else's ugly list, and maybe they are feeling all of those negative emotions that I felt, and I caused them that pain!

Actually, when I looked at it through that lens, I couldn't wait to go out and make amends. Maybe that sounds sugar-coated, but it was really how I felt. It reminded me of the verse in Matthew 5, 23 "Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering."

Bringing me to today. I wrote the first letter to my husband, asking his forgiveness for all of the harm I've done to him. I gave it to him and sat with him while he read it. When he finished, he, teary-eyed, said, "I can't believe you remembered doing those things. I thought you had forgotten. I was ready to never bring them up again, thinking it would have been petty to tell you that you hurt me after so much time had passed. Of course I forgive you. Thank you for acknowledging these things. It makes me feel so good to hear that you regretted hurting me."

I know that all of the amends might not go as well, but I am hopeful. The amends I am most reluctant to do are those with my family of origin. I will do them, but I will probably do the easier ones first, to build up some confidence.

Why do I feel like I just jumped out of an airplane?