Thief!

I must admit, I stole this video from another person's blog. I've been reduced to swiping blog material, a new personal low. Great stuff for Step 7, 8, and 9, though. I love it, although I am not proud of it not being "original." Someone else did the dirty work of finding it for me. Oh well, it's a beautiful song and the lyrics are amazing...

"I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was

You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was

I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

You're Uninvited!

So, I think I finally had a breakthrough this week in my recovery. My husband and I celebrated our anniversary last week, and so we recruited our mothers to watch the children so that we might have some "adult time." We spent a good portion of that time just talking and listening to each other.

One of the things I find is bothering me with the recovery work is that I spend so much time thinking lately, that I don't spend enough time doing. As I've shared in my check in's, fantasy seems to be occupying a major chunk of the old gray matter as of late. It's a giant nuisance because it immobilizes me. It's not anything that motivates change. It just sits, rotting, in the stinking cesspool of my cranium.

I confessed this to my husband while we were away. I told him my thoughts are controlling me and have jammed the circuitry in my head. It's like any time I even try to think of something useful, this daydream floats in and starts wheeling and dealing with the pleasure centers of my brain.

What is going on??? It's like I'm addicted, and I guess I am. I think I'm finally figuring out that I'm not just a coaddict, I'm also an addict. Whether it's food, fantasy, or whatever, I'm using this stuff to escape from my pain. And none of it is helping me! I'm wasting a life I could be living, instead of thinking about living it! Oh, God, I hate this! Help me, please!

People tell me to read the Bible when I feel crazy like this. I do...and it becomes addictive. I will sit for hours reading and reading and searching.

Today I am thankful that I am self aware regarding this issue. It needs to be served an eviction notice. I am definitely not living in the present while all of these thoughts circle around my mind, like buzzards waiting for me to succumb to this disease.

On a different, bizzare note from the depths of my psyche, I am sufficiently freaked out by something that happened this week. In addition to giving us money, my mother bought me a negligee for our anniversary. And not just a tasteful nightgown. I am talking about a black, sheer, breast enhancing, extremely short, piece of polyester! What the...?!? This is really bothering me!
Just a few touchpoints that might be triggering me: 1. Does she think that she knows my husband's sexual preferences in eveningwear so well that she felt inspired to buy this for him? 2. Is this a way to get into my husband's head while we are making love ("Wow, gotta remember to thank D----'s mom for this Frederick's of Hollywood bedroom adventure!") 3. How would she even guess that I would wear lingeree? I don't talk to her about sex, ever!!! Like, never-ever!!!

Freud would have a field day with this! Somebody f---ing help me! I'm totally crazy!!!





"Can you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never Get put back together"

Amazing Grace

As mentioned in my check-ins, I'm reading an awesome book by Philip Yancey called, "What's so Amazing About Grace?" This information is coming at a very serendipitous time, as I'm doing Steps Five and Six, and I firmly believe it's grace that's getting me through.


I never really understood "grace" until I started this book. Merriam-Webster defines grace as "unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification ." I guess.

"Unmerited," certainly. Often, the word "unmerited" is reserved for my day to day debacles, as I vehemently complain when someone has eaten the last slice of bread, or used the last square of Charmin. The "I don't deserve this" outcry rarely emerges when blessings appear in my life, though.

"Divine," again, definitely. Who else but God to give such a reckless, unabashed gift of love?


"Assistance." Mmmm...assistance? If my tire blows out on the freeway, I call roadside "assistance." When I'm waiting on hold for what seems like the best years of my life, I'm told that an operator will be picking up soon, happy to "assist" me. When my child's school is putting on a magic show, there is always a lovely "assistant" playing second fiddle to Marco the Magnificent. Assistance might be an understatement, depending on the need of the individual. In *my* case, assistance is a gross misrepresentation of what has been granted me. Maybe aid, benevolence, or charity might be more fitting, but there are truly no words for the magnitude of the concept.


"Given humans." Given, meaning, it's free folks! Note to self: definition did not say, "given humans in exchange for participation in and dependent upon attendance at Sunday Mass, a 10% tithing, volunteering to assist in the CCD program and any and all potluck suppers, and any other fair exchange of services, as determined by the gift giver. D-...remember...free! God's gift to you!


"For their regeneration." Okay, if I am interpreting this correctly, "for" is not meant to mean "in exchange for." Rather, I believe "for" to mean "to be used for." So, to be used for the process of regeneration, or becoming of a new creation in Christ. Maybe it means grace is given to help us become someone new in Christ. Anyone?


"And sanctification." Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary says sanctification is "the work of the Holy Spirit bringing the whole nature more and more under the influences of the new gracious principles implanted in the soul in regeneration. In other words, sanctification is the carrying on to perfection the work begun in regeneration, and it extends to the whole man." So it seems that grace is also given that we feel encouraged and moved to avoid sin? Yes?

The problem I see with understanding grace, is that I believe one must experience it in order to "know" it. The definition in and of itself is not "wrong." In my opinion, it seems just a little sterile when trying to explain this level of intimacy.

I think "grace" is one of those words, like love. It is difficult to put onto paper all of the feelings associated with the enormity of such a concept.

Relying on Merriam-Webster again, love is defined as "strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties." Although true, it feels incomplete. It's incomprehensible to me that what my family and I have been feeling for the past twenty years is reduced to "strong affection." If that were the case, I could have settled on adopting a cat, nevermind choosing to remain in an addictive relationship despite odds that were stacked against recovery. And even at that, I, dare I say, love my cat! Would I die for my cat? No (sorry Boots!). Would I take the hit for any one of my family members? Without even thinking about it! Strong affection? That feels a little watered down.

Back to grace. I think the process of grace begins when we abandon our self righteousness and work through His love, not for it. If we reverse the process and try to earn it, then it is no longer grace. It becomes about who we are, and not about who God is.

Truly, grace is amazing...

Eph.2:8-10: "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith; and this not from yourselves - it is the gift of God - Not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."