So, I think I finally had a breakthrough this week in my recovery. My husband and I celebrated our anniversary last week, and so we recruited our mothers to watch the children so that we might have some "adult time." We spent a good portion of that time just talking and listening to each other.
One of the things I find is bothering me with the recovery work is that I spend so much time thinking lately, that I don't spend enough time doing. As I've shared in my check in's, fantasy seems to be occupying a major chunk of the old gray matter as of late. It's a giant nuisance because it immobilizes me. It's not anything that motivates change. It just sits, rotting, in the stinking cesspool of my cranium.
I confessed this to my husband while we were away. I told him my thoughts are controlling me and have jammed the circuitry in my head. It's like any time I even try to think of something useful, this daydream floats in and starts wheeling and dealing with the pleasure centers of my brain.
What is going on??? It's like I'm addicted, and I guess I am. I think I'm finally figuring out that I'm not just a coaddict, I'm also an addict. Whether it's food, fantasy, or whatever, I'm using this stuff to escape from my pain. And none of it is helping me! I'm wasting a life I could be living, instead of thinking about living it! Oh, God, I hate this! Help me, please!
People tell me to read the Bible when I feel crazy like this. I do...and it becomes addictive. I will sit for hours reading and reading and searching.
Today I am thankful that I am self aware regarding this issue. It needs to be served an eviction notice. I am definitely not living in the present while all of these thoughts circle around my mind, like buzzards waiting for me to succumb to this disease.
On a different, bizzare note from the depths of my psyche, I am sufficiently freaked out by something that happened this week. In addition to giving us money, my mother bought me a negligee for our anniversary. And not just a tasteful nightgown. I am talking about a black, sheer, breast enhancing, extremely short, piece of polyester! What the...?!? This is really bothering me!
Just a few touchpoints that might be triggering me: 1. Does she think that she knows my husband's sexual preferences in eveningwear so well that she felt inspired to buy this for him? 2. Is this a way to get into my husband's head while we are making love ("Wow, gotta remember to thank D----'s mom for this Frederick's of Hollywood bedroom adventure!") 3. How would she even guess that I would wear lingeree? I don't talk to her about sex, ever!!! Like, never-ever!!!
Freud would have a field day with this! Somebody f---ing help me! I'm totally crazy!!!
"Can you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never Get put back together"
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