Humbly Asking

Well, I'm working on Step Seven lately and "humbly asking." This has really been good for me, so far. In the process, I've been learning a lot about myself and the condition of my spiritual life, which, truth be told, was never in such great shape. But it's getting better.

I've always had difficulty asking for things, partly from feeling not worthy, partly from feeling that I will be turned away for asking. Most recently (yesterday, in fact) I was speaking with a coworker at my private duty patient's house and told her that I was probably only going to continue my employment there through the end of the summer because I need health insurance for my family. She said, "Just ask her to pay you through the business account and you will automatically be offered benefits." I already know that I won't be asking. Thanks anyway. It's just *way* out of my comfort zone. I would sooner give up my job than ask. How self defeating is *that*? But that is my modus operandi, and has been for as long as I can remember. I sit and I wait for my employer, my parents, my friends to offer me the things that I need.

Interestingly, I will ask God for things that I need. But, the problem starts when God doesn't answer affirmatively or efficiently enough for me. Then, I start taking matters into my own hands and really make a mess of things. Instead of waiting, I grab my life back from Him with a "You're no help" attitude and sit and sulk with my back turned like some kind of toddler, until I muster up enough courage to go back to Him with an even bigger mess than I started out with. I cannot tell you how many times up to this point I've had to go back and rework Step Three! And still am.

I do see God working in my life, though. I know He will not leave me. It is very comforting to know that God is always the same, unchanging. He's always good. He always wants me back, even when I think I've really blown it and He couldn't ever forgive me.

Hopefully, He'll remove the pride or impatience first. But even if He doesn't, I need to remember that I'm in Good hands.