I had another strange dream the other night. The house I live in (in real life) is on a major road in our town. A natural barrier of trees exists between our house and the road. It gives us some sense of privacy and also suppresses the noise from the road. In the dream, I was tearing out all of the trees (with my bare hands), even though I knew this would allow all of the passersby to see our house and, ultimately, into our lives. I can't remember why I was tearing up the trees, just that I was very determined to do so. When I was finished I remembered feeling satisfied, but that was quickly squashed by the overwhelming feeling of "oh my gosh, what have I done?"


There were two ways I interpreted this. The first was, I am becoming more transparent. I'm allowing people to see what's really behind those trees that took many years to grow. Removing the trees also helps me see the road, too. Facing the reality of what lies beyond the walls I've erected to protect myself.


The second way I interpreted this was that by keeping this blog going, I am risking my own anonymity and that of my family (I am not the only person living in the house, after all). I do worry about this sometimes, especially if any friends or family members that don't know about my h's addiction were to find this blog mistakenly. Guess I'd have some explaining to do.


After pondering this for a few minutes just now, I think the first explanation is more fitting. The feeling of digging out those trees with my own two hands coupled with the fear of whether I would actually like the new landscape or not makes the first explanation a better fit.

I'm expressing myself very metaphorically lately, at least in my dreams.