Thursday

It was another crazy busy day yesterday (Wednesday). I had to be up at 5:30 to get my son to a 9:15 doctor appointment in Westchester before his upcoming surgery. It started with him not waking up to his alarm and went downhill from there. I lost the directions to the place, the internet was down so I couldn't get the directions from Google Maps, no gas in the car. Okay, it wasn't the worst, just pain in the buttsky stuff. I got there in one piece, it just took some creativity to do it.


The day dragged on with more preadmission testing in areas of the state that I am not entirely familiar with, so I was out of my comfort zone.


Afterwards, I went to pick up two of my other children at my mother's house. We had lunch, which was nice. My head was pounding from the stress of driving. During lunch she wanted to remind me what an incredibly smart husband I have. He was able to take a picture with her camera phone. Well whoop-de-doo, mom, so can my four year old! I guess that makes her Marie Curie!?



Before I left, she tried to send cookies home with me. I politely declined and told her I don't want junk food in the house or else I will wind up eating it. So she said, "You are having seven kids in your house this weekend. I figured maybe they could have them." I told her, "That's good mom. I'll just give them all straight sugar. All seven of them. Better yet, I'll go shopping, and you can feed them cookies and try to watch them. And I'll take Pete with me." "Oh no you won't!" she shot back. Okay, whatever, you want my husband, mom. Best of luck.

This creeps me out so much. It's like living a bad episode of Jerry Springer. "Mah momma stole mah man." Anyway...


On my husband's way home from work, he told me he was going to meet with "Barrie" that night at our house. This was the woman he failed the polygraph test over with the question, "Are you flirting with other women?" He told me she stands very close and talks for a long time and looks directly at him when she talks, never breaks her gaze. He said he wasn't flirting, but he thought she was, and as a result the question made him very upset. Mmmm. Anyway, she got here and our internet was still down, so they had to go to her office to do the work. Grrr....

So last night I was grumpy and schlumpy and frumpy (my three dwarfs of coaddiction). And I started thinking about something my private duty patient said to me. Her pajamas were covered in little lint balls, and she said , "It's amazing how one errant piece of Kleenex can cause so much damage. It can really ruin your day if you let it." And I wished I had paid more attention to the last four words of that sentence..."if you let it." As I thought about it, I realized I had let this stuff ruin my day. I gave control of my feelings to something outside of myself, and now I don't get those twelve hours of my life back. I wasted them on indulging myself in self pity and anger.

I know I am being brutally honest, and that it may turn some of you away from reading. These are my struggles, not my strengths. These are the areas I fall short, not where I measure up. I need to get them out. If I write it out, it's no longer inside of me. It doesn't belong here in my heart, love belongs there.

I've decided to post my check ins seperate from this page. I'll set that up later. This is quickly becoming a dumping ground for my hostility. I don't want it to trigger people.

As long as I am reacting to this stuff, it still controls me. The best I can do is to look at it, figure out why it made me so mad, and then release it. Release it to God, who can work this out much better than I can and who can lead me through this desert called anger.