Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings

I've got a lot of feelings today, I'll warn you in advance. If you are even the least bit trigger-able, stop here.

I woke up very sad this morning. Just before P's alarm went off, I was in the middle of a horrible dream that he was acting out again (using pornography), and that he had been for a while. He claimed that it ended there, no exhibitionism, no other women, "just" porn. I was so sad and mad that he would trade more than a year of sobriety for this cheap garbage, that I began hitting him, the kind of hits that would make a prize-fighter proud. He just stood there, smiling.

Then the alarm went off. I woke up and just stared, in complete shock, at the ceiling. Of course I was shocked that he was acting out. But the other thing that stunned me...my "hits" were actually effective! Even though he was smiling, I knew he could feel them. In my dreams, when I wind up hitting someone or something, my punches are always so whimpy they just wind up rolling right off of the person. And I mean *always*. I've never had a dream where my attempts to defend myself (or assault someone, in this case) have been anything but feeble. I could be swinging with all my might and fury, and they are expressed as these tiny little love taps that couldn't hurt a fly.

The dream is in response to my fears/suspicions that something is just not quite right lately. I counseled with Kent on Monday and explained what P's behaviors have been. (For anyone not in group, I'm *not* checking up on him. These are his behaviors that we are told to *watch* for, not search for.) He's not been as respectful lately with regards to looking at other women, he doesn't change the channel on the television anymore when Victoria's Secret ads come on, has been making sexual innuendos where they are clearly not necessary, closing his eyes during lovemaking, and using bad language in the bedroom. It's all these little "pennies" that eventually will add up to a dollar. Not dealbreakers by themselves, but when coupled with other behaviors could indicate the potential for a slip. So, Kent was thinking maybe it's time for another joint appointment. So was I....

Another thing lately that's been annoying me is that I can't listen to my music anymore. It *reeks* of codependency. Well, some of it does anyway. My sister gave me her old iPod when she got her new one, so I kept most of the songs she had loaded onto it. During my workout yesterday, Barry Manilow came on and started singing that song "Can't Smile Without You." Sorry to all you Barry fans, but I started singing along and I felt like a traitor to my recovery, like I was glorifying that neediness. And in all fairness to Barry, his was not the only song I had to skip over.

Lastly, I've been trying to exercise four to five days a week for the past couple of weeks. So I made the mistake of getting on the scale to track my progress. That was the wrong thing to do. Instead of losing weight, I gained two pounds! I got so mad I went out and bought a sleeve of marshmallow Peeps and ate them that morning for breakfast! Yeah, that'll show *me*. Why do I do stuff like that? I guess I was feeling deprived or something. Other than that little display of madness, I've been pretty good this week.

Today it looks like I'm feeling sad, mad, shocked, fearful, annoyed, and deprived. I figured I'd be further along the path after a year into recovery, but at least my percentages are going up.