Return to the Pit

Sometimes I think I am the recipient of faulty wiring in my brain.

This morning, like every morning, P woke me up when he was leaving for work. He sat at the edge of the bed, took my hands, said a prayer for us and the children, and kissed me goodbye.

Before he got up, I took the fabric from his shirt between my fingers and rubbed it together. I was a little surprised because he has been dressing very casually since starting the new job. Apparently, the dress code states, "You cannot dress better than the boss, so please wear jeans on a daily basis." The collared shirt was a little surprising. I smiled and said, "I love when you wear this shirt. You look great today."

He asked if I wanted him to pick up the grocery order on his way home from work. I did, so I dug some cash out of my wallet and handed it to him. Sidenote: I love my grocery store. I order the food online and they pick it out, ring it up, and keep it there waiting for you in their freezers until you pick it up. You don't even leave your car. They come out, ask who you are, take the money and coupons, bring you your change, and load the food into the car! How lazy am *I*???

Anyway, I decided to lay there for five or ten more minutes with my eyes closed after he left. It wound up being ten minutes in the end. My feet hit the carpet and it was like a shock wave went through me. A memory, that I didn't summon, emerged and started pushing all of my little red buttons.

My husband used to dress nicely on Thursdays when E (one of the other women)would be at his workplace. My mind went reeling, trying to remember if he was wearing cologne (another Thursday behavior). No, I would have remembered smelling it because it is my favorite. Was he going for a haircut? No, that was two weeks ago. Did he have cash...oh yeah. Two hundred and twenty bucks. He used to take cash so that there was no paper trail of the trips to lunch or Starbucks that he would spring for. He did say that R was going to be there today...

I called him on his cell phone. I was having a full blown panic attack. He assured me nothing was out of the ordinary. "D, I just prayed with you. I asked if you wanted me to pick up groceries. All of my thoughts so far have been of our family. Nothing is up, I swear."

And I cautiously believe this. But my brain...it just took me on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride again. I was happy to compliment my husband on his good looks and choice of attire one minute. The next, I was convinced he's hot for a pregnant chick!

So where is the recovery stuff I learned? I feel like I'm crawling out of the pit again. Nancy, are you sure after reading this you want me to be your sponsor? I could really use a phone call today, guys. If I don't hear from you first, expect one from me...