Although I have already looked at how my life could be better without my character defects, I think I need to look at how they are helping me to understand why I am having such a difficult time letting go of them. Why are they so important? I've been trying to "get ready" to release these things to God for almost two months and though I'm 100% ready on half of them, the other half doesn't want to budge yet.
Here is why (I think) I continue to cling to each of these rotten things...
Indifference/Apathy - I guess holding on to these would keep me from feeling the pain of other people's failures, especially those living with me. It relieves me of personal responsibility for any poor choices my children make. It keeps me disconnected and in a comfortable mind-numbing fog. I think establishing boundaries with the children will be good for this.
Laziness - It's another comfortable place for me where I don't have to connect and feel any pain. I can just be numb. Also, I think I have learned how to thrive in the midst of chaos (i.e. unpaid bills, disorganization).
Unforgiveness - It helps me hold people responsible for their actions toward me. Sort of like, "If I show them that they hurt me, maybe they will feel badly enough to apologize." It also enables me to feel justified in my anger and to feel "right."
Overindulgence - helps me to feel full when I am feeling so empty, emotionally and spiritually.
Perfectionism - distorts people's impression of me. Allows me to feel better when comparing myself to other people. Manipulates people's opinion of me so that they will like and accept me.
Criticism - again, helps me feel better when comparing myself to others. I think it shifts the focus off of me and onto the other person. Manipulates people to behave the way I want them to.
Procrastination - keeps me from committing to one thing or another, this way I don't have to make the "wrong" choice. Keeps me from facing the reality of situations.
Lack of drive to get ahead at work - this keeps me from being the responsible party when bad things go down. It keeps me free from blame and responsibility. Perpetuates the lie that I don't make mistakes. I fear that my stupidity would be revealed.
Anxiety/Fear - helps me think I'm "in control," to a certain extent. When I anticipate the outcomes, especially negative ones, I can be prepared for the worst, instead of the worst happening and being caught off guard. I think it is a physiological problem for me, and not always a choice, but I am choosing not to treat it with medicine.
Dishonesty - lets me "look" perfect to other people, which allows me to feel accepted.
Intolerance - it lets me think, "at least I am better off than so-and-so."
Self will and self sufficiency - sometimes I am afraid that God does not want what is best for me because of my former beliefs about God. Also, self suffiency is seen as a strength in this country and when people view me as self sufficient it, again, manipulates them into thinking I am "good."
Stubborness - helps me to appear to be in control, an impenatrable force. It gives the impression that I can't be manipulated. It also helps me to be in control because others don't want to argue with me, they would rather just "give in and let me have my way."
Controlling - allows me to get my way and not be uncomfortable. It feeds the lie that people won't disappoint me.
Gossiping - keeps me from being alienated by others. I perceive other people talking about me for not engaging in gossip. Like they can't trust me, or something. Although lately I don't engage in talking about others, it doesn't stop me from listening to gossip, which is just as bad for me.
Pettiness - creates drama and chaos when life gets too peaceful for me.
Ahhhh....I feel so much better now. Just getting this out really helps me to process my reasons for not letting go. I can actually pray about this now instead of just seeing myself as hopeless.
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2 comments:
Don't see yourself as hopeless. If more of us were honest with ourselves our lists would be much long than yours. Your willingness to confront your issues and then submit them to prayer is far more proactive than most of us are willing to do. In fact I would say that at least three of your issues listed are being dealt with directly by the act of writing your blog.
Be encouraged, and be sure that God will honor your prayers.
Oh, wow! A comment? And from someone I don't even know. That's a funny feeling! Hi! I had no idea anyone read this, save a few ladies from a partner's recovery group and partner's email list. Nine people, if that many. Welcome!
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I checked out your blog too. Wow, such words of hope and inspiration! And your children are very beautiful. Keep up the great work!
This all started as a way to keep in touch with my recovery group when my son had extensive back surgery, hence the links to the check-ins and the Step work that we do from a book. I'm back at group, but I keep this going for my own sanity.
Totally understand what you mean about being the "granite block." Yep, God is just chipping away lately. Makes me want to scream, "Step away from the chisel!"
Take care, and thank you again for the hopeful message!
D.
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